And I am holding myself accountable.
About two weeks ago I was hit with a huge dose of reality. I was told out of pure honesty, not a hint of malicious intent present, that I am a plus-size girl. A big girl. By multiple people.
Being plus size is not bad. But for me, it tore my world apart. I haven’t heard those words in years. I knew I was heavier than I wanted to be but I thought it was just me, I didn’t realize it was apparent to others.
I am not okay with being big. I want to be at a healthy weight for my height but I also struggle with disordered thoughts.
From the time I was 11 til I was 19 I struggled with disordered eating. I went from underweight to morbidly obese to what I am now. When I was 19 I started eating the paleo way and I refuse to go back. It helped me learn self control and gain comfort with food. Instead of fearing it, it is now my medicine. Not only that, it helped me with multiple mental disorders. I will never stop eating paleo.
It has been almost a year since I’ve been eating this way (in November) and the health benefits are amazing. But as far as fat loss and weight loss is concerned, I have been fluctuating between the same 10ibs this whole ride.
That is my fault. I am naughty with carbs. I still do not have self control with sweets either, even if they are paleo. Nor do I exercise consistently for long.
So when I was told the truth about my weight I shut down. I stopped eating. I didn’t eat more than 500 calories in a day for two weeks. Up until two days ago when I confessed to my boyfriend so I wouldn’t relapse. The problem is though, I need someone who can motivate me to exercise and watch my carbs. He can’t do that.
I love him dearly but unless you yourself have a drive for health/weight loss, you can’t provide the motivation needed. Especially if the person struggles with self control to begin with or has a history of disordered eating.
Today I threw up.
I had eaten a full pint of paleo ice cream and was watching movies when suddenly I just freaked. I panicked and threw up in my mouth before I even got to the bathroom. Then threw up more.
It was the disorder creeping its head again. Trying to pull me in again.
So I called someone who understands and I know can provide the motivation and help that I need. We talked and are working out a plan. I am getting it all cleared by my boyfriend then am going to go through with it. If I have a partner I can do it. I stick to it and I get some amazing results.
I am publicly writing this here too because I need to hold myself accountable if I have any hope of keeping my head above the water.
I don’t like starving and I don’t like purging and I don’t like binging and I don’t like secrets.
So, friends, I am sorry that I swayed. I am taking responsibility and am going to get a good structure around my exercising/weight loss goals so I don’t falter. I am over weight. I have to accept that truth and do something about it. I will not make excuses for myself anymore.
I am plus size and I am working on not being plus size and I am working on being honest with myself. Just because I can squeeze into a size 10 doesn’t mean I am a size 10.
But just because I am a size 10 doesn’t mean I am disgusting and deserve to starve. It also doesn’t mean I have to be a size 10.
I’m sorry. I have a lot to work on when it comes to myself.