And I am holding myself accountable. 

Let’s begin;

About two weeks ago I was hit with a huge dose of reality. I was told out of pure honesty, not a hint of malicious intent present, that I am a plus-size girl. A big girl. By multiple people.

Being plus size is not bad. But for me, it tore my world apart. I haven’t heard those words in years. I knew I was heavier than I wanted to be but I thought it was just me, I didn’t realize it was apparent to others. 

I am not okay with being big. I want to be at a healthy weight for my height but I also struggle with disordered thoughts.

From the time I was 11 til I was 19 I struggled with disordered eating. I went from underweight to morbidly obese to what I am now. When I was 19 I started eating the paleo way and I refuse to go back. It helped me learn self control and gain comfort with food. Instead of fearing it, it is now my medicine. Not only that, it helped me with multiple mental disorders. I will never stop eating paleo.

It has been almost a year since I’ve been eating this way (in November) and the health benefits are amazing. But as far as fat loss and weight loss is concerned, I have been fluctuating between the same 10ibs this whole ride.

That is my fault. I am naughty with carbs. I still do not have self control with sweets either, even if they are paleo. Nor do I exercise consistently for long.

So when I was told the truth about my weight I shut down. I stopped eating. I didn’t eat more than 500 calories in a day for two weeks. Up until two days ago when I confessed to my boyfriend so I wouldn’t relapse. The problem is though, I need someone who can motivate me to exercise and watch my carbs. He can’t do that.

I love him dearly but unless you yourself have a drive for health/weight loss, you can’t provide the motivation needed. Especially if the person struggles with self control to begin with or has a history of disordered eating.

Today I threw up.

I had eaten a full pint of paleo ice cream and was watching movies when suddenly I just freaked. I panicked and threw up in my mouth before I even got to the bathroom. Then threw up more. 

It was the disorder creeping its head again. Trying to pull me in again.

So I called someone who understands and I know can provide the motivation and help that I need. We talked and are working out a plan. I am getting it all cleared by my boyfriend then am going to go through with it. If I have a partner I can do it. I stick to it and I get some amazing results. 

I am publicly writing this here too because I need to hold myself accountable if I have any hope of keeping my head above the water. 

I don’t like starving and I don’t like purging and I don’t like binging and I don’t like secrets. 

So, friends, I am sorry that I swayed. I am taking responsibility and am going to get a good structure around my exercising/weight loss goals so I don’t falter. I am over weight. I have to accept that truth and do something about it. I will not make excuses for myself anymore. 

I am plus size and I am working on not being plus size and I am working on being honest with myself. Just because I can squeeze into a size 10 doesn’t mean I am a size 10. 

But just because I am a size 10 doesn’t mean I am disgusting and deserve to starve. It also doesn’t mean I have to be a size 10. 

I’m sorry. I have a lot to work on when it comes to myself. 

I went into the doctor today and was there for an hour and a half. We discussed everything and multiple tests were taken. They put these stickers on me then hooked cables up to them as well as took two vials of blood for blood work. I am going to the cardiology clinic at the hospital tomorrow so that I can be hooked up to a halter monitor for 24 hours (it checks my heart for the full 24 hours to detect underlying problems because it is suspected that there is an electrical problem with my brain and heart communicating with each other which is why I’m having serious heart problems now.) 

The doctor does not think I had a seizure or that it was related to anything neurological. She also does not think it was technically a heart attack. That is good news! But the not so good news is that what happened is I suffered a severe prolonged major heart palpitation. Basically meaning that after my work out as my heart was going back to normal it was having a hard time due to slight dehydration on my part which triggered a heart palpitation (I get those ALL the time both minor and troublesome, this was the first time it was critically severe however) which cut off the oxygen to my brain.

Because of all that awesome timing of things, my heart couldn’t fix itself quick enough and so I lost vision, sudden nausea, cold sweat, shortness of breath, intense weakness, fatigue, dizziness, tight pressure on my chest, then passed out. All symptoms of a possible heart attack, seizure, or many other things that you do NOT want to go unchecked.

So what was at first assumed a minor heart attack has been thankfully reduced to a severe prolonged major heart palpitation. Which still isn’t good and especially considering they happen to me quite frequently, poses an ongoing threat. But I’m not going to think about that.

I’ll know more details and what treatment I’ll need in a few days once I get my blood results back and results back from the cardiology clinic. I do not need to be kept in the ER at this time as I am confirmed stable. I cannot however, be left alone or do ANYTHING that may possibly increase my heart rate (exertion basically). The extent of my physical activity is to only stand for short periods of time if I must, and only walk slow and short distances if I must. Otherwise, stay still and be calm as excitement and stress can increase heart rate and induce more problems.

At this time I am instructed to, in addition to remaining sedentary, drink a LOT of water constantly, stay with people at all times, keep cool as heat triggers multiple health problems in me (but I am at a particularly heightened likeliness of another episode so I have to be extra careful), and if anything starts happening again: call 911 immediately instead of waiting. 

As far as medical and what it will cover? I JUST started the medical through DSHS so I don’t even have the card for it yet. It is also in the middle of merging with another insurance company so at this time I am not entirely sure what will be covered. My doctor appointment will for sure and I think the lab-work from the clinic /should/ be. I don’t know about the blood work or the cardiology clinic though and I know not all treatments/prescriptions are covered so here is hoping.

Please send good vibes and whatever advice you may have. At least we know it wasn’t a heart attack but I’m not in the clear yet, so I need the extra positivity. 

As far as how I’m feeling today; I’m doing alright. My muscles are really sore from the work out which is good! I am still quite weak but I can stand and walk on my own. I wouldn’t trust letting me go walking by myself though. I can walk up and down stairs, it just is something I have to really avoid as it ups my heart rate. Not to mention it just sucks when your legs feel like they are going to break off at any moment. My breathing is strained but I’m not worried. My chest is a wee bit tight too. The doctor checked me out though before I left because it started happening there and she said keep an eye on it but I should be okay. 

More updates to come in a few days. 

disgustinghuman:

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else —The small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

‘Take care of the golf balls first —
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled
‘I’m glad you asked’.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
There’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

♥

oh muh gawwwd :’)

Brilliant.

I’m signing this immediately. I do not want ANY poison in my food let alone MORE poison! And I certainly don’t want it to be that way for my future children.

get-thinspiration:

forever reblog

youcanbehealthy:

granolawarrior:

Raw Zucchini Sushi Rolls

From For the Love of Food

4 servings

1/2 cup cashews, soaked overnight
1 Tablespoon rice vinegar
3 - 4 zucchini (each yields 6 - 8 slices)
2 carrots, sliced into matchsticks
1 cucumber, seeds removed and sliced into matchsticks
4 medium radishes, sliced
1 avocado, peeled and sliced
1 small bunch cilantro

Drain cashews and put into food processor with rice vinegar.  (Depending on how long cashews were soaked you might need to add a tablespoon of water to get the right consistency.)  Process, scraping sides with spatula if necessary, until cashews are a soft paste but still have some texture. 

Chop the ends off of your zucchini and use a vegetable peeler to peel your zucchini into long thin strips. Lay zucchini strip flat and add a small spoonful of cashew mixture onto one of the ends of zucchini.  Add a few matchsticks of veggies, avocado, and a couple of pieces of cilantro.  Roll up and enjoy!

These are beautiful AND healthy!