I am Doll
I Feel Very Set Aside And Worthless

Like I am so easily forgotten or gotten rid of. My family and then now my ex best friend. It hurts because the people who were suppose to be there for me no matter what did a total 360 and proved all that to be total nonsense. What makes it worse is that the friend was constantly lying and making it damn-near impossible to work out the relationship or even detect there being some sort of problem in the first place. She then decided to completely turn her ears off and pull the plug on the whole thing. She gave up and went out of her way to hurt me like it was so easy. Like I was trash.

I had never felt so easily expendable before. Then we have my family who has decided to make me out to be this horrible disappointing creature worth nothing. I dare to grow up and have my own life and I then get cast aside like a monster. To make it worse I then get blamed for things that couldn’t of possibly happened and don’t make sense. It is just heart-breaking to suddenly be deemed this disgusting thieving beast who is a flaky failure when the logic behind that accusation is all because I did not want to forever be miserable and sad with the rest of them. I have been called a traitor and disloyal because I do not agree with the opinion that everyone within the family should all just be miserable together.

I understand supporting one another and helping each other out, but that is just ridiculous. Let me grow. Don’t call me a disappointment because I choose to be happy and lead a healthy life. Because of all that has gone on I am in this constant surreal feeling where I don’t know how to feel. I am sad, hurt, angry, upset, and heart broken. At the same time I am in such disbelief that I can barely register those feelings. There wasn’t a single apology or attempt to understand. There was no sense of remorse. Nothing. Just a quick swift judgment, assumption, and action. Then I was cut and thrown aside. 

As I type this I feel tears well up and my heart sinking as well as a fear that my family will see this and call me out on it. I have no problem discussing these issues with my family and I am not hiding my feelings from them. I just don’t want any more fighting or hurt feelings. I don’t want any more discussion on these things because frankly I am tired of talking about them. I do my part not to bad mouth anyone and I give the benefit of the doubt. Even still I defend my ex best friend and family. I just want this all left as it is or to get better. I want this left as a post on my tumblr because tumblr is serving as my diary. I don’t mind if others comment on it or whatnot but as far as my family is concerned I want it left alone.

Don’t bring it up. I don’t want conflict nor do I want my hopes to be risen in vain. Because that is the unfortunate truth about my family. Even if they do manage to follow through someone always gets hurt. And that someone, for whatever reason, is usually me. I never go out of my way to play victim or cry conspiracy. That is just how it seems and feels and is proven to be.

I know my boyfriend loves me. I know people love me. I even know that some of my family loves me or at least tries their best. Just after all that has happened I am feeling so abandoned and easily expendable. I feel like a cheap toy.

Lost A Best Friend Today

Officially I should say. It is a really long story that I am tired of talking about. Today is what broke the camel’s back. It breaks my heart. It hurts my soul. But what hurts the most is that she went out of her way to hurt me. It wasn’t one of those moments where you say what you don’t mean. She was malicious through and through. Intentional 100%.

The fact that she would do that without even bothering to lie and apologize. Or merely recognize that it was a bit too much. I don’t see how anyone deserves to be treated that way. I have taken a lot of shit from her, as friends do. But a friendship is suppose to be give and take. There should be more than one person in the friendship who is participating.

I don’t know what I hate more. Losing my friend or having to decide if I even lost an actual friend. What a horrible realization and feeling, having to debate if the pain is worth it. I wish the best for her. I wish she could just stop being a hypocrite and malicious. I wish that I had done something wrong so I could just make it better.

I can be wrong and apologize, why can’t she? I even took the blame and just let her say all that BS to me just because being right isn’t worth losing a friendship to me. I care for her more than I care about being right. But even that wasn’t enough. She wanted me to beg for friendship? What is that? I apologized when I shouldn’t have. I took blame when I shouldn’t have. Because I was willing to do that for her and I can accept that she holds grudges and overreacts to everything.

But I honestly for once in my life, didn’t do a single thing wrong. It doesn’t matter if I did though honestly. Because even when I said “you’re right and I’m sorry” that wasn’t enough. I was willing to work it out and be an adult about everything. Even if the situation wasn’t even a situation but a tiny little thing (that was made up by the way). I still, STILL, was willing to just be the bad guy so she could get over it faster. I almost feel as though she was just looking for an excuse to break up our friendship. I don’t like to plant conspiracy but that is really what it looks like.

It is a sad day when a supposed “best friend” values their pride more than their friendship. :c

My heart hurts.

It’s been said that everlasting friends can go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship. These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it’s been or how far away they live, and they don’t hold grudges. They understand that life is busy… But you will ALWAYS love them.
Lizzy Buscher (via bananalouise)
To The Followers!

First off, HOLY SNOT 100! Yay! Honestly I don’t give a crap if people follow my blog. It is mine and if others get anything from it then so be it. But I have to admit that when I saw it hit 100 I got excited. So because I am so excited to hit the 100’s, I will be whipping up some goodies to give away! I have wanted to do a tumblr giveaway sooo bad and I really have the inspiration to do so now. So expect to see a giveaway post sometime in the near future!

Secondly, I just want to say thank you. It is nice to know there are others who have similar interests in what I do. I have met some pretty awesome people on here and found some rather inspiring if not life changing blogs here too. If I can provide even a fraction of that feeling for someone with my random pictures and ramblings then I am truly thankful. c:

I miss her horribly.

I miss her horribly.

I Really Need an Ana Buddy

Plain and simple. Someone whom I can talk to through all of it who understands. Someone who is about 20ibs within the same weight range as me. I want someone to help me and me to help them. Gosh, I would even exchange phone numbers so we could text and not be relying on tumblr. Except I can’t text anywhere outside the US.

Still, I just want an ana friend to keep me going strong and motivated and so we can both lose together and watch the change in both of us to inspire each other. This is so frustrating. I hate being alone.

Let me get to know you!



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