I am absolutely fascinated with old Victorian postmortem photography. Back then having your photo taken was expensive, so a lot of the time a family couldn’t afford to have more than one photo taken. They waited as long as they could and it usually was around the time a family member passed. That way they still got a photo with them but… Well… They are dead.
A lot of the time it is the children who are dead in the photos (or at least one of them) because babies often died right after child birth and children didn’t have the medical technology to protect them from common ailments. Just a simple cold could result in death. They even had a profession set aside solely for the purpose of holding up dead infants for photos. Fascinating, eery, and strangely beautiful.
I Feel Very Set Aside And Worthless
Like I am so easily forgotten or gotten rid of. My family and then now my ex best friend. It hurts because the people who were suppose to be there for me no matter what did a total 360 and proved all that to be total nonsense. What makes it worse is that the friend was constantly lying and making it damn-near impossible to work out the relationship or even detect there being some sort of problem in the first place. She then decided to completely turn her ears off and pull the plug on the whole thing. She gave up and went out of her way to hurt me like it was so easy. Like I was trash.
I had never felt so easily expendable before. Then we have my family who has decided to make me out to be this horrible disappointing creature worth nothing. I dare to grow up and have my own life and I then get cast aside like a monster. To make it worse I then get blamed for things that couldn’t of possibly happened and don’t make sense. It is just heart-breaking to suddenly be deemed this disgusting thieving beast who is a flaky failure when the logic behind that accusation is all because I did not want to forever be miserable and sad with the rest of them. I have been called a traitor and disloyal because I do not agree with the opinion that everyone within the family should all just be miserable together.
I understand supporting one another and helping each other out, but that is just ridiculous. Let me grow. Don’t call me a disappointment because I choose to be happy and lead a healthy life. Because of all that has gone on I am in this constant surreal feeling where I don’t know how to feel. I am sad, hurt, angry, upset, and heart broken. At the same time I am in such disbelief that I can barely register those feelings. There wasn’t a single apology or attempt to understand. There was no sense of remorse. Nothing. Just a quick swift judgment, assumption, and action. Then I was cut and thrown aside.
As I type this I feel tears well up and my heart sinking as well as a fear that my family will see this and call me out on it. I have no problem discussing these issues with my family and I am not hiding my feelings from them. I just don’t want any more fighting or hurt feelings. I don’t want any more discussion on these things because frankly I am tired of talking about them. I do my part not to bad mouth anyone and I give the benefit of the doubt. Even still I defend my ex best friend and family. I just want this all left as it is or to get better. I want this left as a post on my tumblr because tumblr is serving as my diary. I don’t mind if others comment on it or whatnot but as far as my family is concerned I want it left alone.
Don’t bring it up. I don’t want conflict nor do I want my hopes to be risen in vain. Because that is the unfortunate truth about my family. Even if they do manage to follow through someone always gets hurt. And that someone, for whatever reason, is usually me. I never go out of my way to play victim or cry conspiracy. That is just how it seems and feels and is proven to be.
I know my boyfriend loves me. I know people love me. I even know that some of my family loves me or at least tries their best. Just after all that has happened I am feeling so abandoned and easily expendable. I feel like a cheap toy.