I am Doll
I Won’t Lie (Confession)

I miss starving and puking. I miss it so much. Years of my life spent don’t just go away over a month of healthy habits. Still, I am working on it. I won’t go back. I can’t go back. It hurt so much.

I just miss it horribly because that is just how I am.

All in due time.

Having A Bit Of A Meltdown

I am having a bitty meltdown right now. I don’t know what triggered it but it is happening so here I am venting. Ack. I am freaking out over my weight loss. I haven’t gained anything and I am definitely losing. I have been healthy now for almost three weeks and I am freaking out about it. My brain keeps trying to give me “ana allowances” like, I keep fantasizing over taking laxatives and puking. It is ridiculous. It has me shaky and fighting back tears (I can’t cry because I am working ((I work online))).

I don’t know what kick started this feeling but I can’t deny that it is here. I won’t puke, I refuse to starve, I am trying desperately to calm myself down. I have been doing great with sticking in the healthy eating range. I haven’t binged once. I exercise regularly and I practice positive thinking. I just feel like the negative ana monster has jumped on my back and is trying to break into my skull. I know that my body is losing weight because I can see the improvement after only attending the gym for three weeks now.

I have absolutely no reason to be feeling this way and yet I am. What the crap-and-damn. I am trying desperately to calm myself but it just isn’t working. Aaackkk… Why. I hate this. This is the feeling I get when I eat too much. Have I become obsessive over staying healthy? A new kind of anxiety? I have no idea. You would think that would be a good thing. My guess is that it is just old habits trying to rear their ugly head again. Trying to tell me”you had your fun for almost a month now, time to come back and torture yourself”.

I WILL stay healthy. I am fighting this monster in my head. I won’t allow myself to go back to that. I hated everything then and I know what I want. I want a healthy life. I want to eat normal and not be scared of every fucking bite. I want to be able to touch food without cringing. I want to eat and not be afraid of gaining a million pounds. I don’t want to kill myself over pounds gained and I don’t want to crave every pound lost. And dammit I am going to get to that place because I can’t handle this anxiety anymore. UGH.

I know that it will pass I just have to hold on in the mean time. My thoughts are so conflicting. I feel like there is a battle in my head. Two fighting forces. One staying positive and strong and the other trying to deceive and control and spew negativity. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay strong. Stay positive and strong. Strong. I am strong. I will not go back to THAT. I refuse.

Please anxiety go away soon, you’re driving me into panic.