I haven’t lost any weight at all in the past two months and I think I might of gained some. I have been eating 1200 - 1400 calories (my bmr is something like 1500 and that plus the Herris Benedict equation makes it like 2000 something so I should be losing like 1.5ibs a week), binged only twice and I exercise at least three times a week doing various strength training and cardio work outs. I can see the progress but I can’t see anything on the scale except the number going up and down between three pounds. I realize my metabolism is all sorts of messed up but come on. I eat extremely healthy, avoid carbs and dairy like the plague. I don’t understand at all. I need advice please please please. What can I do?
I miss starving and puking. I miss it so much. Years of my life spent don’t just go away over a month of healthy habits. Still, I am working on it. I won’t go back. I can’t go back. It hurt so much.
I just miss it horribly because that is just how I am.
All in due time.
So I discovered that I haven’t been doing some of the different exercise machines right. It really has me upset. I feel like I have lost that month of working out because I haven’t been doing it right. But I am glad that I learned that now rather than later. Means I can get right back up and hop to it. Slightly discouraging yes, but I will make up for lost time. I am saving up for this stair-stepper machine I saw at the fitness store. It is small and easy to put away, but provides a good work out. Exactly what I need for when I am not going to the gym. Plus it is super cheap because it is on sale. c: Wee.
I also am saving up for a mini fridge and mini food cabinet. I can’t handle this anymore. I just do not have strong enough will power yet to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parent’s kitchen (we live with them) and avoid the unhealthy food. The pantry is jam-packed with exotic desserts and unhealthy foods or foods that try to be healthy but are too high in calorie for me to be able to handle eating (I am working on being able to eat more than 150 calories a meal). The fridge is full of food I can’t eat (I am pescatarian and lactose-intolerant) which makes it hard to get enough healthy calories in my system.
I am working on building my metabolism back up (it got destroyed with the disordered eating) and I admit it has been one hell of a trial. My anxiety has been tested and strained and I just can’t do this. I need to take control of this situation. I am working on being healthy and I refuse to go back to my old ways. Unhealthy food I consider dirty food because it makes me feel sick and filthy. I ate a bowl of captain crunch cereal this morning and all I want to do is puke. I am not ready to be around unhealthy food yet. I am not stable enough to be around it yet plus I am still just trying to eat a healthy amount of calories. Which in itself has made boosting my metabolism a bitch and a half.
1. Little blender
2. Mini fridge
3. Mini food cabinet
4. Mini stair stepper machine
6. Food I can actually eat
8. Green tea
9. Metabolism supplements
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SPRINT TO THE SCALE.
GET NAKED AND STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR FOR TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE YOU WEIGH.
LOSE A POUND.
GAIN A POUND.
WEIGH THE SAME AS YOU DID THE DAY BEFORE.
REACH A GOAL WEIGHT.
REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING…
I am having a bitty meltdown right now. I don’t know what triggered it but it is happening so here I am venting. Ack. I am freaking out over my weight loss. I haven’t gained anything and I am definitely losing. I have been healthy now for almost three weeks and I am freaking out about it. My brain keeps trying to give me “ana allowances” like, I keep fantasizing over taking laxatives and puking. It is ridiculous. It has me shaky and fighting back tears (I can’t cry because I am working ((I work online))).
I don’t know what kick started this feeling but I can’t deny that it is here. I won’t puke, I refuse to starve, I am trying desperately to calm myself down. I have been doing great with sticking in the healthy eating range. I haven’t binged once. I exercise regularly and I practice positive thinking. I just feel like the negative ana monster has jumped on my back and is trying to break into my skull. I know that my body is losing weight because I can see the improvement after only attending the gym for three weeks now.
I have absolutely no reason to be feeling this way and yet I am. What the crap-and-damn. I am trying desperately to calm myself but it just isn’t working. Aaackkk… Why. I hate this. This is the feeling I get when I eat too much. Have I become obsessive over staying healthy? A new kind of anxiety? I have no idea. You would think that would be a good thing. My guess is that it is just old habits trying to rear their ugly head again. Trying to tell me”you had your fun for almost a month now, time to come back and torture yourself”.
I WILL stay healthy. I am fighting this monster in my head. I won’t allow myself to go back to that. I hated everything then and I know what I want. I want a healthy life. I want to eat normal and not be scared of every fucking bite. I want to be able to touch food without cringing. I want to eat and not be afraid of gaining a million pounds. I don’t want to kill myself over pounds gained and I don’t want to crave every pound lost. And dammit I am going to get to that place because I can’t handle this anxiety anymore. UGH.
I know that it will pass I just have to hold on in the mean time. My thoughts are so conflicting. I feel like there is a battle in my head. Two fighting forces. One staying positive and strong and the other trying to deceive and control and spew negativity. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay strong. Stay positive and strong. Strong. I am strong. I will not go back to THAT. I refuse.
Please anxiety go away soon, you’re driving me into panic.
Seriously, it easily made up for the last time scary moment. I didn’t get to the weight lifting the last time. This time however, oh my god. I was scared at first because of what happened the last time so I decided to do the majority of my various strength training before I did any cardio. I managed to pump out some serious exercising (cardio too!) and I burned a wopping 404calories. Hooooly snot. That makes me very happy!! :D I also found a work out machine that focuses on the inner thighs. That should do wonderfully for helping me achieve the ‘gap’ between my legs.
Now if only I could target my stomach fat… Oh well, all in good time! :)
I noticed that I haven’t hit the minimum of my daily calorie allowance once yet. It isn’t even on purpose. That kind of amuses me and makes me curious. It is easier for me to eat less calories when I am set on eating more. Like, I am seriously sitting here eating crackers to try and boost my caloric intake for today just because I am so far under my minimum.
Lol. This is some serious irony. Feels really topsy turvey considering I am use to trying to/making sure I eat as little as possible. Now I am trying my best to eat more and struggling with that too. Oooh life.
I am quite pleased with myself. I have been really focusing on my game plan rule number four, “Eat/drink nothing that has no healthy physical or psychological benefit”. It really helps me to make healthier decisions when it comes to what I eat. I mean I use to absentmindedly grab a sweet treat here and there through out the day which really added up as far as the calories were concerned.
Very bad for my health. But today my boyfriend and I were at a party store and they were selling m&ms for like 25 cents. The price is awesome and tempting but as soon as we got to the check out I decided to put mine back and save myself 200 calories. c: My boyfriend did the same because he wants to get healthier too and wants to support me. We have been doing a lot of this ‘think before you eat’ and it really has made a difference.
So go us. I am proud. <3
From The New York Times: Weighing the Evidence on Exercise, things to remember:
- It is extremely unlikely that using exercise or a diet alone will lead to long-term weight loss.
- Exercise makes you hungry because your body wants to maintain its current state. Guard against eating more because you’re exercising.
- Start eating real food and less calories— understand that this is how you will eat from now on.
- Start exercising. Once you hit your weight goal, continue exercising. Don’t stop.
- If you don’t change anything about your life, you’ll never weigh less than you do now.
The mathematics of weight loss is, in fact, quite simple, involving only subtraction. “Take in fewer calories than you burn, put yourself in negative energy balance, lose weight,” says Braun, who has been studying exercise and weight loss for years. The deficit in calories can result from cutting back your food intake or from increasing your energy output — the amount of exercise you complete — or both.
“The body aims for homeostasis…It likes to remain at whatever weight it’s used to. So even small changes in energy balance can produce rapid changes in certain hormones associated with appetite.
photo by Ryan McGinley.