I am Doll
I Won’t Lie (Confession)

I miss starving and puking. I miss it so much. Years of my life spent don’t just go away over a month of healthy habits. Still, I am working on it. I won’t go back. I can’t go back. It hurt so much.

I just miss it horribly because that is just how I am.

All in due time.

Mildly Healthy

I do my best to stay mildly healthy. 1000cal limit I am pretty good at sticking with. I eat healthy for the most part (hate binges but they happen). Plus I exercise at least 3 times a week an hour each time both cardio and strength training. I am not quite comfortable with eating “normal” yet but I am getting there. I use to eat no more than 500cal a day. Only every now and then do I do “crash dieting”.

Which is mostly to soothe the ED soul. But I have come a loooong way. From being terrified to even touch food, to binging constantly. I am trying to find the middle ground and lose weight at the same time. I want to live a healthy lifestyle and slowly but surely I will get there I know. I know this. I will have my physical ideal because it is realistic. I am a human and set backs happen.

That just means I’ll have to work extra hard to get over and away from them. I can do this and so can you. I just want to be happy and content with my body but I want to be healthy as well. I want to go out with my friends and not focus entirely on avoiding food and food conversation. So, I may not be super healthy now. I do have my eating problems. But hey, I’m working on it.

I just needed to rant. I am feeling a bit… Alone? Aloof? I don’t know what the proper word is. But I’m feeling it.

tinytard:

1. Drink Water - This is one of the most essential ways to stay healthy and stick to your diet. Not only does drinking water flush toxins from your body, it keeps you energized and makes your stomach feel full. Do not force too much water down, as that will make you feel sick. However, drinking…

End Of My Two Day Juice Diet

I am so proud of myself. I was having such a hard morning but my boyfriend helped keep me in check and the carrots were a big help. I am very excited to weigh in tomorrow morning and see the glorious weight loss. :) I am SO close to my first goal. Hey, maybe I’ll even hit it by tomorrow! That would make me happy. Anyway, this diet experience has been all in all pretty great.

It was only two days long so I could reasonably complete it without going batpoo crazy. And this feeling of accomplishment is so nice. I highly recommend this to everyone to do at least once, just so you can say “I can do this” and actually really do it. c: I want to try doing this every other weekend and perhaps getting to a place where I do it every weekend. Who knows.

ED Quiz

        AM -

[x] anorexic 
[] binge eating
[] bulimic

[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[x] starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast
[ ] binging


PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[] I was pretty
[x] I could stop having an eating disorder

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair were a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[-] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] i’m in a complicated relationship
[] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[] I miss someone right now.
[] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x lol pokemon games] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[x] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[Been off them for two weeks] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[Was] I’m addicted to self harm. 
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged

HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[x] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating


[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’ve done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[x] Other

[I don’t advertise but I don’t live in secrecy] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] I count calories
[x] I’ve had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[] I want to be this way
[x] I don’t want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[] I don’t want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment (outpatient/inpatient, willingly, or unwillingly)

[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[] I’m doing this to prove myself

I Really Need an Ana Buddy

Plain and simple. Someone whom I can talk to through all of it who understands. Someone who is about 20ibs within the same weight range as me. I want someone to help me and me to help them. Gosh, I would even exchange phone numbers so we could text and not be relying on tumblr. Except I can’t text anywhere outside the US.

Still, I just want an ana friend to keep me going strong and motivated and so we can both lose together and watch the change in both of us to inspire each other. This is so frustrating. I hate being alone.

My 10 reasons To Lose Weight

1. I want to look small in everything I wear

2. My boyfriend will be able to lift me without struggle

3. I’ll look better in clothes

4. I won’t have to worry about things being too small

5. My job (I am a web model for an adult site) will flourish so much more

6. I’ll be much more photogenic

7. When people stare at me I won’t even consider it being “because I’m fat”

8. Even greater self confidence

9. A much healthier mindset

10. I’ll have a body to be proud of

Not enough male thinspiration it would seem… I want to be skinny enough for my boyfriend to be able to pick me up with one arm.

Not enough male thinspiration it would seem… I want to be skinny enough for my boyfriend to be able to pick me up with one arm.

How To Balance The Boyfriend and the Eating Disorder

I have read countless pro ana blogs and how there is such a struggle to manage a relationship as well as the eating disorder. Often times the relationship has ended from something in relation to the ED or downright because of it. This doesn’t have to be so, however. I have my own thoughts and opinions on the matter and I think it might prove valuable to some of you. So here we go, on to some things to consider…

1. First and foremost if he isn’t willing to work with you and your ED then how can you expect him to work with you through anything else life throws at you? Think about it. If you two aren’t at a place in your relationship where you two are in love, then you can’t exactly weigh this in terms of how much he loves you. But if you two are in a relationship then I am assuming you two want to be for as long as you can. If that is the case then this means you two are going to need to be willing to help each other through thick and thin. Stupid little things to drastic big things and everything in between. If he isn’t willing to do that then frankly there isn’t much to lose. Sorry.

2. If he is willing to work with you, you must take into consideration whether or not if he has gone through any level of what you are. You can’t exactly blame him if he has no clue about what you’re going through. You might as well be speaking a foreign language. What I do in this instance is try and explain whatever it is I am going through (anxiety over binging, lack of confidence, fear of food, etc) in a way that my man will understand. Just the other day I was freaking out because my scale broke. He couldn’t grasp the intensity of the situation as I perceived it so I explained that it was the feeling of ‘all lights suddenly going out in a pitch black scary street with no way to see where you’re going’ and he knew then how to help.

3. Speaking of perception; just because it is huge and astronomical in your eyes does not mean it is in his. A lot of the time we forget that everyone feels differently unless proven otherwise. So he may react in a way that can be considered offensive or insensitive and not even realize it. Again you have to talk to him to try and give him a chance of understanding and then explain how whatever his reaction was, if bothersome, how it was bothersome. Give him the chance to try and understand instead of instantly taking everything as wrong and running away with it. This does not help you nor does it help your relationship. As cliche as it may be, communication is important.

4. But sometimes he just isn’t going to understand. Plain and simple, this is a definite possibility and you know what you do? This is where you need to help yourself. Don’t blame him because he doesn’t deserve that guilt. But find a way to vent your feelings. If he can’t help you by relating then he might be able to help you by serving as an emotional lightening rod. But please please please talk to him about it prior so you don’t just randomly attack him verbally and he is sitting there trying to figure out if you’re crazy or should start yelling back.

5. He may be completely against your eating disorder in such a way he tries to work with you, against it. This right here is where the big kicker is as far as a relationship is concerned. Sometimes you’re just not ready to do the healthy thing and he may want what is best for you but want it now and not even bother to listen to any other option. In this instance if you explaining that it takes time or you’re not ready isn’t working, you might need to seek help from a professional (therapist) or heck, even a mutual friend to try and reason with him. When you say it he might think that it is entirely the ED speaking, but if he hears it from someone else, he might listen. Maybe. Other than this, I have no other ideas. Good luck I guess. :c

6. If you aren’t wanting to “quit” your ED anytime or anytime soon, communication and sensitivity. Seriously. It is a strain and sadness to watch your loved one undergo suffering, especially when self inflicted. This is where you need to be sensitive and keep that in mind. You’re lucky if he isn’t griping you or laying on additional stress about it. You’re lucky if he is trying to work with you. If he accepts you for you, eating disordered or not, then you are a very lucky lady and you need to do your best for you AND him. Whatever that translates to for the both of you.

By no means am I a professional. This is literally just things that I have gone through myself and wanted to share with you. I hope I could provide some sort of help. If you have any more suggestions and experiences then please feel free to let me know. I am happy to do what I can to help you and others. I wish I could of provided more advice but again, I am just another person living just another life.

Good luck to you and may you have a wonderful relationship.

I want to look small no matter what I wear. I want to wear horizontal stripes without shame. I want to wear shorts and bikinis without a second thought. I want to walk without the feeling of my thighs slapping together. I want to sit down without my thighs flattening out like pancakes. I want to lay on my side without all my fat and loose skin laying with me. I want to wave my arms and not have fatty wings. I want to jump without making a sound when I land, every time. I want people to tell me to eat because they think I am too skinny. I want people to use me as their thinspiration.